On Christmas Day my friend Lil, aged 99, said to me: “I need to accept all the limitations I have these days. I mean really accept them. Saying I just have to get on with them just isn’t enough.” Once again I thanked God for the immense privilege of so many opportunities to listen to and be enriched by the openness and wisdom of this great woman. Our spiritual conversations are pure gift.
In my life, growing older has highlighted so much for me. One of the revelations is that it is only when it is actually happening that I can fully appreciate the offering I have prayed to make to God so often in saying prayers such as the Suscipe of St Ignatius Loyola, asking God to take everything I have and am because God’s grace is enough for me.
I well remember being young and full of fervour and feeling I wanted to give my all to God. This was maybe best illustrated in the singing of the hymn of St Francis Xavier in which he protests that he was doing everything purely out of love of God. Francis meant it. I didn’t. How could I? I really had no idea what it truly meant or what it had to cost. The wonderful feelings I experienced when belting out the hymn had nothing to do with the reality of its words.
I did do things for God in my youth. I entered religious life, believing that was what God wanted of me and, thinking I was safeguarding my vocation, I turned down my place at university. Because I was suffering from depression, it seemed to me that I had a better chance of recovery being active in teaching rather than in the solitary life of a student. Since then I have made other choices for God. But that is the point I am making. I chose. I felt I was giving. And that was good. Please don’t think I am saying otherwise. The first glimmering of how this wasn’t enough came in my 20s with the realisation that I was prepared to carry any cross – except the ones which God wanted me to carry.
I am obviously a slow learner in the spiritual sense! It wasn’t until some time after I had made the full Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius twice and I began to experience a series of losses in my life which came unbidden, that I focused on that first word of the Suscipe – TAKE. I don’t pray to give all the things Ignatius lists. I pray to have them removed.
Of course it is admirable and pleasing to God when, with youthful – or not so youthful – enthusiasm a person embarks on some good work or makes an altruistic decision to act in a certain way. It seems to me, however, that, in my case at least, there is a lot of “I” in these actions. I choose, I will do, I plan. When the time comes and things, people, places, activities, gifts are taken from us for whatever reason, when I can’t claim any initiative, how will I react? I notice that age seems to affect many of the parts of my life and personality in which I used to take pride. I had a good memory. I never forgot birthdays or things I had promised to do. This made me reliable. These days, if I say I will do something, it is as if I have already completed the task. I am no longer reliable. I used to be a morning person. I was up early and could achieve much before lunch time. Now, early is much later, it takes me a long time to get moving and many tasks remain undone. I won’t bore you with the rest of the list!
Over the past four years so much has changed in the circumstances of my life and few of these changes have been my choice. Can I now in sincerity ask God to strip me yet further? I don’t know. What I do know is that despite the losses of the recent past and another big one which will happen soon, my world hasn’t ended, God still is and I am closer to the full acceptance that all I need is God’s love and grace, which are and will be always with me.
mariaevans1 