An inevitable consequence of growing older, is that more people I know and love age too, and, eventually, die. As an aside, I insist on using the D word, and strongly dislike the current custom of using euphemisms such as “pass away”. I can understand this being used by non-believers, for whom death is the end, but am baffled as to why Christians, who believe that it is the gateway to full union with God, appear frightened of the word.
I was struck, a few years ago, when a dear friend became incapacitated by a series of strokes, by how her illness had struck at so many of the things she held dear. Bede was a religious sister, a former nurse, who had lived for many years with a lady who had been disabled by a car accident. Bede, herself a survivor of breast cancer, was a strong, competent woman who used her many gifts in supporting her closest friend and together they reached out to many others who were in need.
Independence was the first loss. She who had been so busy visiting, giving lifts, and thinking up solutions for people she knew – and many she didn’t know – found herself at the receiving end of the kindness of others. She did not like this. On one of the occasions when I called to take her to Mass, she said: “You are so good to do this.”. When I reminded her that she would do the same for me, she replied: “I know, but I hate having the tables turned.”.
Speech loss was Bede’s next affliction. A great communicator could no longer make herself understood verbally and, not long after, she became unable to walk. Her religious congregation then delivered what was perhaps the biggest blow of all by having her moved to its care home at the other end of the country. Bede had once told me that she would die if she had to leave Liverpool; a statement which alarmed me. Now, not only had she left Liverpool but, with no ability to speak, she was even unable to pick up a telephone to have a conversation with those she had left behind and whom she missed so much.
It was when I visited her, not long before her death, that I began to ponder on the importance of letting go of attachments before they are taken from us. For the last month, I have been participating in an online course run by Richard Rohr’s Center For Action and Contemplation in New Mexico. The course is based on Rohr’s latest book, “Immortal Diamond, in which he explores the search for our True Self. In the spirit of one of his other favourite themes, non-dual thinking, I have found that praying the various writings, talks and exercises, is another way of experiencing the spirituality of St Ignatius Loyola. The terminology is different but, as Fr Richard says, if something is true, it is true all the time and everywhere.
I have, of course, been facing my own False Self during these weeks. I had already admitted to identifying with roles when I was no longer able to continue as a spiritual director and retreat giver. A lengthy grieving process was necessary. Recently, the friend in whose care I became increasingly involved over a period of years, had been admitted to a retirement home. While I can and do still visit regularly, the help I can provide is severely limited. Another role has gone, and I recognise how important it was to me. My friend is, herself, having a very painful time as she sheds the identifying factors of 100 years. Such is her attractive personality, that she has always been beloved of everybody and the centre of attention. She has been spoiled. For her to accept being one of a number of people who need care, attention and consideration is very difficult. Claiming that “These other people won’t find it as hard as I do” is one of her ways of continuing to feel special. Ordinary mortals can thank God for not having been used to special treatment.
Our only True Self is that of being a daughter or son of God. Our only dignity springs from God’s presence within us. Only when we have died to our False Selves, the ego-self which takes pride in those things to which we cling in order to feel good about ourselves, the things we feel we can attribute to ourselves: only when we are content to be simply a son or daughter of God, at one with everyone else who shares the same dignity, will we be able to enjoy the full Presence of God and need to die no more
mariaevans1 